step off the edge with me
by Szejni
Summary: Paige loves Emily and Emily loves Paige. At least that's what she thought as her heart still cannot forget about the blonde girl. Love triangle. Set after 5x07
1. Chapter 1

Emily Fields reached the phone lying on her bedside table in the dark. She cheeked time and sighed loudly. It was the middle of the night but she could not fall asleep. Her mind was overwhelmed by her own thoughts. She was very confused, she did not know in what she should believe and who she should trust. Her dark eyes became wet and she was able to feel a bitter taste own tears flowing down her cheeks. She thought about the past few weeks being extremely intense and stressful. Since Alison came back to town Emily's life became way much harder. She could not breathe because of the lies in which she was forced to life together with her friends. With each passing day she choked even more. However, she knew she couldn't stop this internal agony either. She closed her eyes and sighed again. Brunette began to cry even more not dealing herself with this whole situation. She curled up and hugged her pillow.

She could not control her emotions. She felt as if her heart was split into two distinct halves, both desiring other people. One carved Alison Dilaurentis. The most beautiful girl in the school, her first love. Before Ali left town she could make brunette find herself the luckiest girl in the world, she was the only one who could make her truly happy. Emily on the other hand could reduce blonde's temper, with her the girl was calmer and gentler. They shared deep glances, they shared innocent kisses. With the disappearance of Alison brunette's heart has been torn on tens of millions of tiny pieces. It took her a while to bond them all together, but she never forgot her lost love. She tried and she couldn't. When she discovered with her friends that Ali is still alive she did not know how she feels about her. Despite all blonde's assurances, despite sharing another passionate kiss with her, Emily still did not know what she feels because the second half of her heart wanted another person. Person who didn't have a nice past with her first love.

And that person was Paige McCullers. Her and Em also did not have a happy begging. They competed with each other for the title of captain of the swim team and it was not pretty. Paige even tried to drown her opponent but mutual passion brought them closer. They fell in love and grown together. The both of them were ready to many sacrifices, they helped each other. Their relationship was one of the best things in Em's life. She knew she could count on her girlfriend, with her she forgot about unpleasant and sometimes still painful past. But Paige's overprotection became stronger than her good sense and she betrayed own girlfriend by telling the cops that Alison is alive. They broke up because Emily did not know if she could trust Paige again. She still does not know.

Before she glanced, the moon had gone and her room was pierced by bright rays of the rising sun. It was still really early but brunette needed a bath to recover. She got up lazily from the bed and headed to the bathroom. Emily looked in the mirror and saw her swollen eyes caused by sleepless night. She pulled off her pajamas and went into the shower. When she felt hot water flowing on her back she was better, but still not good enough. She was scared of this day and she couldn't help it. She washed her hair with strawberry shampoo and massaged her body to relax. After an hour, when her fingers slowly began to crease, she stopped the pourable water. She wrapped herself with a towel and combed her wet hair.

She went back to her bedroom and looked out through the window. No one was on the street yet, there was a complete silence. Em turned away and walked over to the closet. Brunette opened it and began to wonder what to wear. After a while she reached for the red checkered shirt, white T-shirt and black jeans. She headed to the bathroom again, where she dressed, dried her hair and brushed her teeth. Then she put make up on and she walked downstairs.

Brunette went into the kitchen and took a kettle. She flooded it with water and let it boil. In the meantime, she grabbed her favorite blue mug, she put it on the counter and waited a while. When her coffee was ready, she left the house with the cup and felt a little bit cold as she sat down on the porch. Wind was blowing her hair. She was exhausted and distressed. She took a sip of her hot drink and closed her eyes. She breathed deeply and tried to calm down. As she heard the sound of opening door and saw her mother, Emily said "Morning" and Pam Fields sat next to her.

They spent a few minutes in silence and then Emily asked

"What did you mean yesterday by telling me that Alison's story has some problems?".

Her mother looked at her and spoke

"I shouldn't talk to you about this but not all the fact agrees, there are many gaps and inconsistencies. Police began to wonder what really happened."

The girl looked straight ahead as she heard

"I know that you care about Ali but you can't protect her by harming yourself".

She knew she won't be able to keep this lie long. She wanted to tell Pam the whole truth but she was horrified because she could lose a lot. And it wasn't only her decision. Together with Hanna, Aria and Spencer they had to find out what Alison doesn't tell them before they could think of stopping everything.

She felt her eyes getting wet again so she got up and told her mother she should get going to school. She went home and decided to skip breakfast as she wasn't able to eat anything. She grabbed her stuff and walked toward her car. She went inside, fastened the seatbelts and drove away.

As soon as she arrived to her destination, she came out the car and quickly headed to the school. She went to her locker, grabbed books and left there unnecessary by now things. As she walked through the hallways she tried not to bump into one of her friends. She didn't want to talk about another problems caused by them all. She was sick of lying and the lies which she could not control. Em walked to the class and took her place. She hated History and as soon as the bell rang and teacher showed up, she sighed knowing that she will be bored.

As usual, she was unable to focus on the class. She wasn't understand why she supposed to learn about French in sixteenth century. The past was the past and it could not be changed. She needed to think of the future and how to make it better than it is now. The teacher looked at Emily noticing her distraction. The girl began to pretend to take notes and Mr. Ibarra went back to delivering his lecture. Brunette cheeked the time on her phone and literally started to count down the minutes to the bell.

When her wish was fulfilled, she ran out of the class first. She felt a kind of relief and moved ahead. She fell into some guy and dropped her books. When she get them all together, she walked fast to her locker and opened it. She was distracted and didn't notice when Sydney came up to her from the behind. The girl said "Hey" and Emily scared to death quickly shut the doors

"Geeze, are you trying to get me a heart attack?".

Sydney smirked and asked

"What is going on? You seem to be even more jumpy than ever"

"Rough night, not enough coffee" Emily replied.

"Well, I hope to see you at the practice" The girl said leaving brunette alone as she heard bell ring. After a while Em took her stuff and ran to the classes as she was already late.

"So, what are we going to do?" Aria asked Spencer as soon as they sat in their table for a lunch.

"We send Hanna to rehab and give Alison into A's hands" the girl replied sarcastically

"Spence, I'm serious"

"And you think I'm not?" she answered " Hanna stinks of the beer so much that it started to move on me"

Aria looked at the girl and sighed

"I can't take any more lies that Ali is trying to sell as" she said as she was really tired with past few weeks.

"Have you seen Emily today?" she asked trying to change the subject.

"No but I have chem lab with her later so I will keep you posted". They sat for a while in silence when they heard Alison walking toward them.

"Hey guys! What's up?" she said and sat next to them.

"We were just wondering where's Em. We haven't see her yet." Spence said.

"I'm sure she is fine. She's probably somewhere around the pool" Ali answered as she tried to calm the girls down but she immediately noticed their distance toward her. She had no idea what was going on. They looked at each other not saying anything and the period of awkward silence just began. Alison started to focusing on her friends behavior, she tried to see every detail that would tell her what is going on. As she knew that she failed she asked straight from the shoulder

"Did I miss something?"

"Most like we did" Spencer mumbled, loud enough to let the blond hear every word.

"What do you mean?"

Brunette moved her gaze to the ground, not being sure what to say. She had a headache caused by million thoughts walking around in her mind. Each was drowned out the previous and replaced by the next. Aria, knowing that she can't let the girl on the explosion filled with anger and regret, began slowly, choosing her words carefully.

"We didn't want to bring this up now since we're not here all and…"

"What the hell did you do in my backyard yesterday?!" Spencer blurted out interrupting Aria, she did not expected an honest answer though as they were talking to the master of the made up stories in the flesh. She just stared at the girl. She was ready to bet that the blonde will confront them and accuse of lack of trust and that stuff. Alison bit her bottom lip. In her eyes you could see the confusion, she didn't feel comfortable with current situation being pushed to the wall. She opened her mouth like she was trying to say something but in the last minute she hesitated. After a moment and contrary to the Spencer's assumptions she spoke calmly but a little bit like she would be scared

"I was going to tell you about this guys"

"And what? We supposed to believe in another lie?" You keep doing this but seem to forget that we are all in this together and there is no other way to stop A until we know the whole truth" Spencer said firmly but with a hint of annoyance in her voice. She waited for Alison to response as she was getting more and more mad at her friend.

"Look, I know there is a lot of things I didn't tell you, things you would like to know about. Frankly, I would like you to know them to, okay? But I'm not going to put you in any more danger since you've already done so much for me. I just need you to give me a little more time and try to trust me."

"My God! Can you even hear yourself? We are not your puppets anymore Ali. We are your friends. How we supposed to trust you if you don't trust us? As you said, we already have done enough for you and I don't know, I would really like to know why the hell this whole time we stand and back up your story instead of telling the truth for a change" Brunette blurted as she knew that convincing Alison to open up won't be the one of easiest things. She looked at Aria because her friend sat quietly since they started this entire conversation. She waited for any of the girls to speak up but as soon as she understood that she's not going to get what she expected, she slapped Aria in her arm and stood up saying

"Come on, let's get out of here"

"Where are you two going?" Alison asked. She was disappointed as she realized that it's not gonna be easy for her to still force the girls to do what she want since they grow much while she was gone. Blonde just never though she will be just left behind like that.

"You know what? We're done here. We really hoped that you changed just a little bit but apparently we were wrong. So call us when you finally realize that we are trustable enough." Spencer said being pissed off and together with Aria they went to the restroom leaving Alison completely alone.

The blonde sat there and bit her bottom lip. She didn't know what to do. She was torn. Sure, she wanted to trust the girls, but for what cost? She was aware that she did not deserve their help and she was grateful for everything they have done for her but she could not tell them the truth. She didn't want for them to share her past and had to fake own death to survive. She needed them and was afraid to admit it. She was afraid of showing weakness. But if she doesn't do want they want her to do she will lose them and she was afraid of that even more. She was afraid of being alone. As time flied and she was deepening in her own reflections she could think about one person. One person that wasn't there with her while she needed her the most. She was sitting and wondering where the hell was Emily now.

At the same time, Emily Fields stood before one of the school pool's startup posts. She was leaning forward and held black stopwatch in her hand. She observed Sydney, who was traversing distance again. The girl was defeating next meter definitely fast, however, even in her best form it lacked her a lot to catch up with Emily, before her arm injury. The girl still missed swimming but every day she was realizing that she should let go for her own health. Helping others with their technique and speed was something she enjoyed, she could feel that her connection with water, even if it wasn't very perceptible. As Sydney stepped out of the water when her fingers touched the pool wall, Emily stopped her stopwatch, looked at her the time her friend gained

"Not bad. Just try to focus more on inhaling and exhaling" she said. She saw Sydney smiled. The girl was really satisfied with her last results, she wanted to keep swimming even though she had discernible exhaustion in her eyes. "Doing another round or you're done for today?" Em asked crouching down,

"I think I'm gonna swim a little bit more, you know, try to beat your record" Sydney joked.

"You wish!" It's impossible" Emily laughed when she answered and as soon as she saw her friend started again she fired stopwatch. She followed work of her legs and arms. The girl was doing really well so she looked around. She really missed Paige as she was hoping to see her in here The view of her in the pool, her closeness, warmth and touch. Despite the fact that she tried to keep friendly relations with the girl, she felt a little uncomfortable in her company. She was used to them both together. It was like that from months. Emily and Paige. Paige and Emily. She had heard it so often that their break up was still surreal for her. Obviously her having feelings for ex-girlfriend was in the picture as she didn't see how to stop. She wanted to trust her again and every minute she was willing to give the girl second chance. If Paige wanted them back together, of course.

**Hey guys! I really wanted to thank you all if you read it. It means a world to me. Also I'm sorry for any mistakes that I made in this story. English is not my language. I'm still learning it but I will try to do my best. **


	2. Chapter 2

Spencer Hastings walked into the class while she was reading a textbook for chem lab. She still had a couple of minutes to the bell, but she was herself so she had to be everywhere ahead of time and well prepared to classes. She took her place without taking her eyes of the reading. In the same time as bell rang, she closed her book and looked at the door, watching for Emily. She saw the girl entering the room right behind the teacher. She waited for her to took a seat next to her and then she asked quietly

"Hey stranger, where have you been the whole day?"

"You know, here and…. there"

"I was here and there too but somehow I haven't seen you"

"Spence, do you really need to know everything? Being the smartest one in school is not enough?" Em said. She was really fond of with this entire investigation.

"Chill out girl, I'm just teasing you." Spencer said and smirked as she was trying to comfort Em, who was not really in cheerful mood.

"So… you're going to be the next Ali or what?"

"What happened that make you so, I don't know, jumpy, tense? The girl asked as she began to worry about her friend. She knew they all had right for letting themselves to stop in the place, close eyes and breathe deeply to calm down. However, she could not resist thinking that Emily's latest behavior is not caused by what they recently had been through as in her opinion it was all connected with Alison.

"I don't know. I'm just.. I'm… um, never mind" Emily answered. Nothing else what she could say had gone through her mind. She saw that her behavior changed recently, but she didn't wanted to talk about it. She wasn't ready for it. At least that's what she thought. "Have you talked to her, by the way?

"Yep" she heard the brunette, who was pouring some purple stinky substance into the test tube. Emily was so absorbed in conversation and distracted at the same time, that she hadn't even see when Spencer started to make an assciment which was allocated to the two of them. Chemistry was so not her hobby. She looked at her friend with impression that there is something more but until she don't push her to the wall, she won't know anything else.

"And…?" She asked soft and slowly, trying to find out more.

"And what? It's Alison we're talking about. We can't expect some miracle and wait for almost impossible day in which she will decide to tell us the truth" Spence answered with her characteristic sarcasm in her voice. She believed what she was saying but at the same time she was hoping for breaking this circle of crazy. She even had an idea for stopping it but she felt uncomfortable with saying it at loud. She was still adjusting to current situation. She bit her bottom lip and decided to try as she had nothing else to loose. "And that's why I thought that since you weren't there with us…. maybe you could talk to Alison alone" she said starting slowly but with every word speeding like she was afraid that she will change her mind again. When she finished she looked at her friend waiting for her to comment the idea.

Emily wondered if it was really so obvious that something changed between Alison and her. Because if the other saw "this thing" there was not a chance that she could deny it, that she could disown it. She didn't wanted this and was afraid of this feelings. She was afraid of giving herself to them, she was afraid of them consuming her whole.

"Okay, I can try… but why me?" she asked insecure. She had to know if her friends are aware of everything what is going on.

"I don't know actually. Ali is a whole new person with you around, I guess" Spencer said a little surprised. She expected a different reaction and with Em's behavior she assumed that her suspicions were true. "Like you were bringing up from her this side that no one but you can't see." She added. And she was absolutely right. It was always like this and Emily knew this perfectly. With her Alison was completely different but it still can't change the fact that she broke brunette's heart and after that she never got better in one hundred percent. She couldn't or she wouldn't. Anyway she didn't understand this herself.

Emily looked at her friend not knowing what to say. Luckily she didn't have to. The bell rang and kind of saved her too. She was just gathering to leave when she heard Spencer saying soft but firm

"Just try"

After that the girl left leaving Emily behind. In a while the girl left school as chem lab was her last class for today. She went toward the car passing through now empty square. She walked inside, fastened the seatbelts and drove away from the parking lot.

She arrived to her destination after a few minutes. Her mom was not at home, she was completely alone. She put the car keys on the cabinet and walked to the kitchen. And that's when she felt an incredible hunger that began to assail her. She wasn't surprised at all. In the morning she skipped breakfast and then at lunch time she wasn't in the mood to eat either. She opened the fridge and started to look around for something that could help her now. She grabbed an apple and soda and sat at the counter. She took a bite and began to chew when she was interrupted by the ringing cell phone. She looked at it and saw Paige's name on the screen. She answered without hesitation. She said "Hi" a little shy and almost choking and waited for the girl to respond something.

"Hey Em. I got your message. Sorry for not calling you sooner, I was kind of busy"

Emily was listening to the voice of her ex-girlfriend and realizing how much she missed it. How much she missed her.

"It's okay" she answered. Her mood immediately got better. "How are you feeling? Anything I can do to help?" she asked with concern.

"It was just a dead rat in the locker Em. I'm good" Paige said smiling but she regretted it right away as she could pretend that she really needs the girl's support. "But if you don't mind and you're free tonight we can go hang out to The Brew"

Emily thought for a while. She wanted this but she had doubts though. She was not sure if Paige wants the same.

"Sure" she said stammering slightly. " At 7?" she asked.

"Okay, see ya at the spot" the girl replied disconnecting.

Em put down her cell and went back to eating. She felt oddly happy. She was filled with weird energy but she enjoyed it. She finished apple and thrown apple core to the trash. She went upstairs to her room. She grabbed the headphones and let the music play. She took history's notebook and sat on the bed. She began to make homework because she knew that if she don't do this now she won't do this at all. She hated this subject and she literally had to force herself to any activity connected with it. She was getting tired when she was writing about royal families in France. Luckily for her she did it quite fast and she could finally get some rest. She got up and went downstairs to get some soda. She drank it walked toward outside. She went into the car and drove away to Alison's house.

She went outside, came to the porch and stood in front of the door. She closed her eyes, sighed and knocked. She didn't have to wait long until Alison opened the door. It was just like she was standing in front of them too. Blonde invited Em inside and went together with her to her room. She was able to see the girl's confusion. She could guess why she came here and was aware of what's about to happen but she didn't care. She was happy that she could see her. That was the only thing that mattered. She sat on the bed and pointed on it persuading Emily to join her. As the brunette did it she looked into Alison's eyes. They were sparkling and in her opinion it added the blonde even more charm.

"So I'm not going to play hide and seek…" she began, but all in all had no idea what she could say. She was her just for the fact that Spencer asked her to do this. And that's it. Emily didn't wanted to do anything what could cause even more tension with her and Ali's situation. Thing were already complicated enough for her. And she was convinced that the conversation they were about to have will make things even more confusing.

"Yep, I figured" Ali interrupted the girl giving her this famous Alison Dilaurentis's glance. Most people would sacrifice a lot for this kind of look. But Em at that moment seemed not to notice. She started to avoid the girl's eyes and focused on the wall of the room. "I'm guessing you've already talked to the girls about our conversation at lunch time today" she said seeing that Emily feels a little bit awkward and is not able to simply say what she means.

"I did" brunette replied as she dared to look at the girl even though she was afraid of what she can do. She was afraid of "this side" of Alison Dilaurentis which revealed only when they were alone because it melted her heart more effectively than the truest flame. "And look Ali, you gotta understand that…" she began but she was interrupted again.

"No Em! You are the ones that need to understand something. I'm not doing this because I simply like to lie to you okay?" she said with a raised voice shocked that the only person she was counting on apparently didn't supported her. She was disappointed and mad but as soon as she looked at Emily it all disappeared . She sighed closing her eyes for a minute and calmly added "I was a bitch and I know about it. I hurt a lot of people who didn't deserve it, including you. But after everything I have been through I can't put you guys in any more danger. I'm not going to." She finished and turned away her head feeling that she needs to cool off a little as she wanted to be firm and not let Emily's power of persuasion get to her.

Brunette huffed cynical. It was a typical play of Alison. Sure, she knew the girl had changed but clearly not enough to begin to trust her and stop lying. And it really hurt.

"So what are you saying? You won't tell us the truth because you are trying to protect us? That is the most fucked up thing I have ever heard, seriously" Emily was really pissed off. She had no idea what could cause Ali to open up. She saw the lies she created were destroying her from inside. However the girl had to ask for help and right now it doesn't seem like it.

The words spoken by Em hit Alison so hard like if it was a glass cutting her skin. She couldn't believe in what she heard. She got out from bed and started to walk around her room in silence. She didn't do anything else, she just walked. In the end she decided to turn toward the brunette and confront her. She had wet eyes and she said almost screaming

"What is fucked up Em? Really, tell me because I don't get it. Too many insane things happened and I'm not surprised when the next is going on, so tell me"

Emily was listening to every word Ali said carefully. Now she began to notice a deeper purpose in the girl's behavior. But she still couldn't let her to deal with this alone. She saw the blonde shook her head so she got up quickly and grab her wrists. She was able to feel Alison's warm breath as just now she realized that their faces were spaced only few inches away from each other. She looked at the girl's eyes filled with tears. She saw in them unimaginable pain and exhaustion.

"Ali" she said with faked peace. She was barely able to control herself seeing the girl in this state, but she wanted to be tough for her. She had to. She didn't want for Alison to be hurt again. She couldn't let that happen. She raised her hand and placed on the blonde's cheek wiping tears from her face. While she was doing that she felt a pleasant warmth and knew that her friend felt it too.

"I was a bitch." Ali said as soon as her breathing calmed down. "I got what I deserve. And I can't let you guys for knowing what I know because I just buried me" This entire time she looked at the dark brown eyes of Emily. She could break away from their sight. She enjoyed the touch of brunette on her own cheek. She needed it.

Em pulled Alison's hand as she tried to sit on the bed again. The blonde took a place next to her but she didn't let go of her hand though. Emily looked at her friend and didn't know what she should say. She wanted to be there for her but she didn't know how.

"Ali…" brunette began but stopped immediately noticing that the girl is staring on the floor and not on her. "Look at me" she said calmly but Alison didn't react. She just sat there in silence. Emily let go of her hand and grabbed the blonde's chin forcing her to look her straight in the eyes. "You can trust us, okay? We are here for you and we're not going anywhere" she spoke firmly enunciating carefully each word. She hoped that Ali will finally try to open in front of all of them. It didn't seem to happen as the girl didn't say anything so Emily decided to try again "You know what? Forget them. As if they never existed. Just you and me. Trust me" she said softly with peace.

"I'm just so scared" Alison turned her gaze from brunette's face. She had broken voice and red eyes caused by crying. She still couldn't control herself and was shaking with no reason.

"Don't be. Focus on this one thing and stick to it, okay?" I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere. I will never leave you. Never"

Alison closed her eyes and sighed. She wanted to believe Emily. But everyone who said that ended up disappearing or betraying her or being murdered. And she wasn't able to bear the thought that any of this options could meet the brunette. She couldn't stand it. She opened eyes and immediately found a way to Em's face.

"I was in Spencer's backyard to spy on Melissa" she said with calm and waited for her friend to response. She saw how Emily looks at her a little awkward not knowing what she has on her mind. Ali run with her tongue over her teeth and decided to continue what she has to say before she will change her mind again. "We don't have a nice story together and now when we know she is a part of Mona's gang… I just needed to know what she's been up to" this entire time she looked into brunette's dark eyes. She couldn't take her gaze away from them. She had no idea how the girl will react to all of it, she didn't know what she thinks. She felt a little better after this confession though. Like this big stone was pulled from her back. But on the other hand she was afraid of the girl more. Now, when she got closer to the truth.

Emily was happy that she convinced Alison. She saw that it helped the girl. However, she didn't understand why it had to be a secret. Not once she expected that Spencer's sister was involved with all of this. She realized that the blonde didn't share with her everything yet but for the moment it was sufficient. She smiled slightly and said to make herself sure

"I'm guessing that's not everything"

"Em, you really need to give me a little time" she replied admiring the girl for hearing it with such calmness and without judging her. "I will tell you anything you would like to know, okay? Anything. But this gotta stay between us. Girls can't know about it."

"I figured. And I think that's a good idea. It's your decision and when you'll want to tell them' if you'll ever want to tell them, we'll do it together" Emily smiled even more. She felt that now when Ali began to trust her, things may and maybe they will be able finish this much faster than she thought at the beginning.

"Thank you" Alison said with gratitude. She grabbed the brunette's hand and squeezed it tight. She was really lucky for having her in life. No one else was able to act the way Emily did. No one understood the blonde like she did.

"Don't mention it" Em replied carelessly. She got up of the bed and looked around. "I'm gonna get going" she said as she was about to meet Paige and didn't want to be late. She didn't wanna tell Alison where she's going, she didn't wanna upset her today. "But first... come here" she added and hugged the girl. She felt the incredible warmth then. She felt right. She pulled away from and looked at her with smile.

She said goodbye and walked out of the house. She got into the car and drove off to The Brew. She went inside the place and looked around. She immediately saw Paige sitting at one of the tables waiting for her. She smiled to her and walked without the hesitation. She sat on the chair in front of the girl.

"Hey! Nice to finally see you." Emily greeted really enjoying with this meeting.

"Great to see you too" Paige replied. "How was school? Anything interesting happened in this full of live whole while I was gone?" She joked. She was definitely in the better mood since she saw Em. She hoped that they finally manage to sort things out and everything will go back to normal.

"Nothing in particular. Without is no longer the same" Emily laughed softly and happily. And it was true. Without Paige nothing was completely normal. As if it was this missing part which can never be replaced because was always the best.

"Glad to hear that"

"Paige I'm not going to beat around the bush…" Em began pulling at herself even more attention from the girl. If it ever was possible as she totally stared at her the whole time. "I want to talk to you about something, seriously" she finished and her heart began to beat harder and harder. She was nervous and slightly scared. She didn't know how the girl react to everything she has to say.

"Should I be scared?" Paige teased again asking sarcastically. She didn't guess what was going on but was able to see Emily jumpiness and wanted to relax the atmosphere.

"Probably" Em could barely utter a word, that's how tense she was. She thought how she should start this incredibly poignant speech but she realized that it was pointless. If she and Paige are destined to each other, if they should go back to each other, everything will go naturally. This is what she was counting for. "No, I'm serious" she said and smile disappeared from her face. Her heart began to beat even harder, she was sweating even more and she could bet that she already had nice blushes on her face. She reached out her hand and grabbed Paige's. "I still feel something for you. I can't forget and there's nothing I would like more than us getting back together.

"Em, I'm really happy to hear that" Paige spoke. Everything she said was true. She really enjoyed but she also had doubts and she didn't intend to put them aside, she wanted to talk about it. " A lot changed in your life lately. Are you sure this is what you want?" She asked softly with peace so the girl doesn't change her mind in last minute.

"Like never before in my entire life" she replied still being jumpy. She became suspicious that Paige didn't like the idea of them getting back together but she quickly ran away from that thought. "But I'm not going to force you to do anything. If you moved on I get that"

"I couldn't do that. After Alison's coming back I couldn't do that. You mean too much for me and I couldn't just give up." The girl replied with the big smile on her face squeezing Emily's hand even more. "I know she is extremely important in your life so I'm not going to do anything unfair when it comes to the two of you. Forbidding you any contact with her was the most stupid thing I have done and I'm not going to do that again." She added with reluctance but she knew this will make the girl even more happy.

"I just have one little request if it's okay" Emily said. She was really glad and now nothing could spoil her mood. She was waiting for this moment almost forever and apparently forever is nothing when it comes to love. "Can we slow down a bit at the beginning?" She asked as she needed a fresh start and hoped that Paige would agree to her idea. "You know, I just miss our innocent dates."

"I miss them too. And I think that with everything what recently happened it will be better this way. "

They sat at The Brew for the next couple of hours. They carved their little talks and their closeness which was recently not familiar to them. They both hoped that this time everything will be really different. Despite latest events they believed in it with all heart and weren't able to even imagine that someone could separate them now. It was simply impossible.

**Hi guys! Once again thank you all for reading my story. It really means a lot to me and I'm grateful to have you. Feel free to write me what you think about this chapter so I could get better next time **


	3. Chapter 3

Paige McCullers opened her eyes. For the first time in many days she was completely conscious and aware. She enjoyed the day even before it began. Things were not in the best state. They were the opposite of the best state as they were getting more and more messed up. But she knew it will be better. Formerly she would have told herself that thought over and over again. When she was a child she had heard that a lie told 1000 times becomes a truth. And she once wanted to believe in it. Now she did not need faith, she did not need hope. She was convinced that it would be better. She could bet that it would be better. Emily and her got back together and that was this one and only thing that kept her in good waves. This time she was not planning on betraying the girl. She meant too much for her to be able to do that. She was just going to not interfere in the life of Alison and everything associated with it. Em was the only thing she was interested in and only thing she wanted to be connected to.

She reluctantly got of the bed, she didn't want to be late though. With a lazy step she moved on to the window and looked through it. The sun barely raised so the sky was both blue and orange. The girl with the desire would devote more moments to enjoy the view however time was chasing her. She turned around and dressed in her tracksuit. She grabbed the music player and left the house. She took a few deep breaths and began to stretch. When she finished she moved ahead and started to run.

It was cold but it didn't bother her. She knew that she is about to warm up and anyway she liked freezing air on her skin. She felt fresh then, she had the energy and strength to do anything she wanted. She defeated another meter and passed another tree. She was already deep down in the woods and loved the silence. Whenever she was there she find herself more peaceful. Loneliness had a good influence on her. As she realized that it was already a little late, she decided to return to home and get ready to school.

As she came back the first thing she did was taking a bath. She turned on the water and immediately felt relieved when it hotness ran down her back. She quickly washed hair and body. She stepped out of the shower and dried herself. She wrapped her head with a towel and walked over to the sink. She grabbed a toothbrush and washed her teeth. She went back to the room and walked to the desk. She picked up a frame with a photo in it and looked at it. It showed her and Emily before them splitting up. Paige smiled and touched the girl's face with her fingertips.

She put down the picture and went to her dressing room. She grabbed her outfit for the day and went back to the bathroom. She brushed her hair and dried them. She got dresses and put her makeup on. She picked up her stuff and went downstairs to the kitchen. She poured orange juice to the glass and drank half of it. She wasn't sure what she wants to eat so she opened the fridge to look for something. She decided on scrambled eggs as especially needed a protein now. She prepared a meal, ate it then cleaned up after herself. She checked if she had everything and left house towards bike standing on her yard. She got on it and rode to school.

She didn't ride too fast but she was on the spot pretty quickly though. It was still quite early but people were all around everywhere. She was barely able to leave her bike in the parking lot with all this crowds. When she finally succeeded and turned and saw the most precious at the moment person in her life. Emily Fields just got out of the car and Paige was convinced that the brunette is not aware yet of how beautiful she is.

"Morning, pretty girl" Paige screamed loudly attracting the attention of several students who apparently didn't have their personal life. She looked at Em and saw that her face revealed a huge smile that made her even more beautiful.

"Hey, how are you?" Emily said being really happy that she sees Paige. She also saw that the girl feels the same way as her eyes were sparkling.

"Better now" she replied trying to be seductive. It didn't work out too well and Em laughed sweetly. "So I just had this one little thought that… if you're free tonight we can start our innocent dating again" she said shyly.

"How about tomorrow instead?" The girl answered a question with a question. "I kind of don't have time today" she continued being a little sad. She didn't tell the truth exactly. If she would wanted to she could easily make it to meet Paige. But today wasn't her day and she preferred to rest.

"Hmm… fine"

They passed through the street and stood in front of the stairs. They looked in each other eyes deeply and didn't want to stop. Emily reached out her hand and grabbed Paige's. She felt more safe then and more peaceful. She wished for this moment to never end. But life not always gives what is wanted and as soon as Paige heard someone calling her name she took her hand. She quickly kissed the girl in her cheek and ran inside disappearing in the crowd.

Emily stood there for a few more seconds. She touched her cheek with her hand and smiled gently. She was unable to move. The legs refused to obey her. She still couldn't believe that things can so quickly and unharmed return to normality. Suddenly she wasn't alone as Alison, Spencer and Aria approached her from behind. The girl greeted each other and together they entered the school. They said a few words and every one of them went in different direction to the class.

Before she looked she already had a half of her classes behind and now just went to her table with lunch. She felt like a robot. Everything she did was automatic. Everything was routine. Every day was the same and Emily didn't know how to make it differently . Every step she made was bringing her closer to the friends already sitting in the place. Even this is the same. For a several years they were sitting in this table and didn't even think to change it. It was ridiculous. Like incessant holding on to the past that sure as hell will not come back.

"We were wondering if you will join us today" Ali said cheerfully that Emily arrived to them. Brunette was the only one with who could be at least partially herself and it was okay with her.

"What did you guys talked about?" Em said trying to hide her thoughts. She wasn't ready for them to see the light of day. She didn't wanted to hurt her friends.

"Same as always. About A and how A destroys our lives." Hanna answered ironically. It was pretty obvious that she was already under the influence of alcohol. But no one was going to spoke about it. It was oddly enough that she was with all of them.

"No, we actually changed the subject this time" Spencer said looking at Emily who just sat down. She wondered what the girl was trying to hide as it was pretty clear that something torments her. "Toby just decided to become a cop to solve this everything from the inside" she added.

"So all in all we talked about what we always talk" Aria blurted. And she was right. Hanna was too. Everything they recently did came down to A. "Ezra is still trying to figure out this thing with Eddie but he sucks so Radley is our only option now."

"Em, did something happened?" Ali asked worried. She didn't take a part in the conversation as she preferred to focus on Emily. "You look a little upset"

"And you shouldn't be" Spencer added. "Since you and Paige worked thing out, you could even pretend to be happy"

"I'm happy, I really am" Emily said with a small smile on her face. She knew her friends have already seen them both in front of school and deep down she was just wondering how long it takes for them to talk to her about it. "Really" she repeated with the impression that she wasn't too convincing the last time. She looked at Alison who was the upset one now. Em was afraid of her reaction for this news after their conversation the other day, but her mother was right after all. She couldn't protect the girl by harming herself. And at this moment she didn't seem to notice another person but Paige to fix her.

"Well, I'm happy that you to are together again. You deserve a person who loves you as much as she does" Hanna said and Emily knew what her words meant. That she deserve a person who wasn't a blonde sitting next to her with sad face right now.

Alison stood up quickly. She looked at the girls with a pain in her heart and said that she must go to the school counselor. It was really awkward situation but they couldn't deal with it now as lunchtime was about to end and they didn't want to be late for class.

Spencer grabbed Emily's arm who almost escaped from her. She waited for the other girls to leave so they could be alone with themselves.

"You talked to her" she asked directly not wanting to waste any time for some kind of inaccuracies.

"Yep" Em said.

"And?"

"And that's it. She opened up a bit. We had really nice conversation and she told me what is going on. But she also asked me to not say anything to you. And if we want her to speak up again I'm not going to."

Spencer looked at her friend with disbelief. Since when Alison trust only her and since when brunette is standing blindly on her side? She really couldn't believe in everything what was happening.

"Okay" she said disappointed and frustrated. "I'm going to class. Don't wanna be late" she added being mad and walked away.

Emily opened her sleepy eyes. She wondered what was so important in this moment to have her afternoon nap stopped. She really wished that she didn't forget to mute her cell phone. She looked at the screen. Caller ID was showing the name of Aria. Em reluctantly answered because she didn't have a heart to ignore her friend.

"Yeah?" she said lazily

"And now what? Ali will charm you about how much hurt she is and like she can only trust you and you are going to believe in everything she says? We supposed to clear away all the work because she is pulling the wool over your eyes? I really thought this time it won't be like before she left Em" Aria said madly and Emily regretted that she answered the phone. She stopped paying the attention knowing that she can't do anything. She was torn. She couldn't tell the girls until Ali will be ready. She didn't exactly understand why she had to keep it in a secret. But she did it anyway.

"Are you even listening to me?" Aria asked annoyed "God, what this girl is doing with you?" She added not knowing to who she was talking to.

"Okay, stop" Emily had really had enough. She felt awful. She couldn't choose between Ali and the rest of her friends. With all her strength she tried to put them together but for now without positive effect. "Alison is not fooling me. It is not like it used to be. She doesn't have power over me anymore."

"She is dangerous. How can you even question that?"

"She's not dangerous. She's hurt."

"Emily…" Aria said softly. She was calm down now and ready to a real talk. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I'm not doing anything. Alison has no power over me now. And I believe her. At this point of her life she has no reason to not tell the truth. I don't know why she trust only me but just so you know I'm not happy with it either."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm with Paige and Alison will not change it. Doesn't matter how much she'll try. If you don't trust her… trust me"

"Okay, we can try, I guess" Aria wasn't happy with this whole conversation. She knew her friend was lying. It was too obvious, she have known her too well. But she couldn't get to her. "We are here for you, remember this" She added and hung up.

Emily threw her phone on the bed and stood up. She walked around in the room like a crazy person. And internally she really felt like a crazy person. As if she was losing her senses. One by one, they ran away from her and there was nothing she could do right now. The only thing she wanted to do was to leave and never come back. She would bought one-way ticket anyway but far from Rosewood. Sometimes she preferred to be completely alone but not the same as now. Really alone. Without thoughts taking over her minds. Without her friends calling her every five minutes. Without feeling constantly exhausted.

Everything was falling into pieces. So small that she could barely see them. Brunette knew that there's not much missing for her to be locked in some kind of psychiatric facility. And with each every piece she realized more and more that no person would survived to what she and her friend had gone through. She didn't want to feel sorry for herself but that was the truth. And none of them was willing to admit that. They had to be hard and they had to deal with it. They just needed to remember one thing. Life does not put in front of us things we are not able to survive. Even when everything makes no sense anymore we'll find space where great faith dampens the fear.

**Hey guys! Once again thank you all. Your reviews means a lot to me. Also to everyone who asks, I have no idea who is an endgame in this story. Like summary says it a love triangle story so nothing is sure for one hundred percent. **


	4. Chapter 4

Alison Dilaurentis moved her hand down teasing with her fingertips the brunette's heated thigh. Once again she kissed the outer side of the girl's wrist and then found a way to her neck. She was driving Emily to madness and it was the thing with which she had no desire to stop. With her other hand she grabbed the brunette's one and squeezed pulling them up. She was now sitting on her lap and wrapping the girl's waist with her own legs. Hands of the blonde went up and drowning in Em's thick hair, they stopped at the back of her neck. Alison looked deeply into her dark eyes and closed the distance between them leaning into the kiss. She felt the soft warmth of the girl's lips and her heart started to beat so fast that for a second she thought that it pops out of her chest. She pressed their bodies tighter and deepened the kiss.

She enjoyed every second of it as if she was a little kid that just got a new toy. She was waiting for this moment for so long that it seems an eternity for her. So now she was not going to rush. She was going to take things slower but it didn't mean that she intended to stop. She was going to tease Emily so much that the girl won't be able to think about anything else than the blonde. Now, one of her hands moved down touching the brunette's bare belly. Every, even the slightest touch from Alison ignited her to red. The girl chewed her lip and began to kiss her even harder. She wanted to take control and be the dominant one but Ali was bringing up her weakest side. Not that it bother her anyway. She felt like never before. She wasn't able to give so much passion anyone except Alison. Every single minute with the blonde consumed her whole.

They were like unity, not able to be separate. She stopped the kiss now and moved her lips to Ali's neck. Her hands landed on the girl's hips and teased her heated skin. She felt like Alison sank hers in her brown hair. She leaned forward making them both lay again but this time she was on top. She made a girl a few hickeys and looked into her eyes. She smiled and pressed their lips together. They kissed gently with peace. But with every second hastened. She felt like Ali goes with hand through her back to her bra. The girl's fingertips tickled her skin and as soon as Alison revealed her bare breasts, she rolled them both and she was at the bottom again. She deepened the kiss and now their tongues fought with each other like crazy.

She wanted to go further but deep down something was blocking her. She was not able to give herself to Ali completely until she do something about what she dreaming to do for a really long time. She stopped the kiss. She was breathing deeply now and not taking her eyes from the sight of Alison. She grabbed the girl's heated cheek and ran after it with her thumb.

"What?" Ali asked being cute as always, she was still smiling. She has never been so happy and there was no thing in the world which could possibly change it a little bit.

Emily sighed. Her heart was beating incredibly fast. Her thoughts were focused around three words. Eight letters that she wanted to express more than anything. She closed her eyes for a millisecond. It's now or never, she decided.

"I love you"

Emily Fields jumped out of the bed in the middle of the night. She was all flooded with sweat and breathing hard. She was incredibly tired and disoriented. This dream exhausted her to the limit. It was incredibly realistic and the girl needed a minute to realize that it actually never happened. It was strange for her to just think about it. She knew that the dreams are result of unconsciousness and everything what is going on in them is either desired or the most afraid of. She was not sure which of these options checked in with her. She simply had no idea. And honestly she didn't want to have.

Her own feelings caused her questioning most of her life and she really didn't enjoy it at all. She didn't even want to think about it right now, she already spent too much time doing that. Too long she was this torn girl who didn't know what she wants. Now she couldn't be one. Never again. She has been through enough to let herself for any hesitation. She changed, she changed a lot. Sure, she had some feelings for Alison, no doubt about it. She didn't understand them fully though and right now it seemed more like a habit then a need to be with the blonde girl. That's why she was going to ignore this disturbing dream. Thinking about it would not work out so well, especially now when she and Paige got back together. She couldn't lose her again. The girl was bringing to Emily's life so much positive energy and ordinary joy. With A being still in the picture Em needed a stability. With Paige she felt safe. And in her situation it really meant a lot. Safety and commonness were the things that she need. No unnecessary drama and constantly being lied to. She could definitely do without it.

She turned on her left side and closed eyes. She wanted to fall asleep again to not look like a zombie in the morning. She tried to calm down her breathing and not to think about anything. She know what is going to happen today and she wanted to deal with it as soon as it possible.

On the one hand, she will finally have her date with Paige today. She will be smiling and enjoying the moment. She will be saying how much she missed the girl and knowing life she probably will be hearing the same thing. She didn't mind as she loved Paige's voice which could calm her down even without trying. She was like Emily's own yoga session. Always available and always helpful.

But she still couldn't forget the dream. She tried and nothing. She didn't know how she will be able to look at Alison without thinking about it. Without thinking how much reality could be possibly different from her imagination, and like she won't get a chance to check it out. The other night when Em sleepover at Ali's, they kisses. But the fact is that it wasn't even a bit close to her dream. And that was the reason which made it even more confusing. Being with Paige and having this kind of thoughts. It did not seemed right, not from the start. But Emily didn't want it and she couldn't help it. The only solution she could think about was ignoring the things that she had no effect on. And that was her relationship with Alison.

Finally, as she succeeded in trying to fall asleep she slept like a little baby. She was barely able to wake up. As if her bed didn't want to release her from its arms. She took a quick shower , got dressed and headed to the car. She drove to school, parked and went outside.

Not even a second passed when someone grabbed her hand, pulling the girl with itself. Now she was able that the person was Alison. They didn't speak, they didn't even look at each other as usual. They were just walking. Or Ali was walking leaving Em no choice but to follow her. They missed a few guys going up the stairs and as soon as they were inside they found a way to the restroom. The blond let go of Emily's hand and made sure that no one else is here, that they are completely alone. She still didn't say anything, she just stood in front of brunette looking in her eyes.

Emily could bet that she knew about what will be the conversation which was just about to happen. She only wished she had more time to mentally prepare as she knew it would happen sooner or later. She looked into eyes of Alison and tried to understand what she sees in them. She was not sure but it was between pain or disappointment. Something like that anyway.

"Ali" Em began slowly and desperately needing to break the silence down. She wanted to get closer to the girl but she realized that if she keep the distance between them she will be more convincing and she cared about it a lot. "What is it?"

Alison continued to stare at the brunette. She was getting even more restless. She didn't know, she really didn't know what the hell she was doing. Or what she was about to say. With Emily around she was losing control, over her body and thoughts. She shook her head and lowered it down. She stared at the floor and the silence was getting even more and more unbearable.

"I just… I just can't believe it" she said, still looking down. She had slightly broken voice and Emily could say that probably the eyes full of tears. She didn't know what to expect. Not when it was about Ali. "You got back to her?!" She dared to look into Emily's eyes as her voice now expressed regret and she was almost screaming. "After all of this?" She added. She still could not calm down, she tried though. Looking at the brunette who just turn her head sighing obviously didn't help.

"Ali…" Em said softly. She had to look away from the blonde, she was not able to look at her now. She wanted to dry herself and she dreamed about having this all behind her to lock herself up somewhere and let emotions out.

"Ali what? Em you know you're making a mistake but you make it anyway."

"I'm not making any mistake."

"Oh really? So you don't have any feelings for me? So the other night was nothing for you? You just used me like I used to do with you?" With these word Alison took a step forward and got closer to the girl. She could read her like a book. Emily could lie as much as she wanted to but she knew the truth. She was not blind, she saw how her presence affects the brunette. The closer she was the more Emily wanted her.

"Ali… that night… it shouldn't have happen like this" she said with pain. She tried to stay still and not give up. Alison already broke her heart once. "I… I love Paige okay? And if you've really changed, as you said, you have to let me go, let me be happy."

"I can't Em, I can't lose you"

"You won't" brunette said. She went to Alison as she noticed another tear hurting the blonde's cheek. She grabbed her chin and forced to look into her eyes. She smiled gently "Look, I'll always be there for you. Nothing can change that. Just not like this"

Alison was too depressed to say anything or react somehow. She just got Emily back. She just got her life back, and with all this shit brunette was the one for who she had a strength to get out of the bed every day. She felt Emily's hand wiping another tear from her already wet cheek and she still couldn't believe. She wasn't able to believe with everything what was happening. She looked at the girl frightened. She didn't know on what she can let herself now. Their relationship have never been purely friendly, they always had a thing for each other. She hugged the girl slowly afraid of being pushed away. She was relieved when it didn't happen and instead Emily reciprocate the gesture. They stood there for a couple of seconds and then brunette smiled slightly and left Alison completely alone.

Although she tried. With all her heart. Ali for even a second didn't leave the brunette's mind. Ironically, right now she was sitting with her current girlfriend which she completely ignored because she focused only on her first love. At the state in which she left her this morning in the restroom. It hurt, to see her like this. She felt as she had a dagger in her heart and couldn't remove it. However, she had to be strong, she simply had to. She knew it going to be even harder than before because Alison probably won't give up. No chance for that.

"Em?" Paige said laughing softly.

"Hm?" The girl replied pensive. She shook her head slightly and freed her hand from the Paige's. She grabbed a cup lying next to her and took a sip of coffee to revive herself a bit.

"You're cute when you totally not listening to me"

"Thanks" Emily said sarcastically as her date didn't stop smiling. She missed that smile, she missed both of them together. "You were saying…?"

"Some stuff about swim team. But it's not important right now. What is on your mind?" She added with a slightly worried look.

"Alison" Em replied insecure fearing the reaction of Paige. She didn't want to lie her. If this relationship was about to survive , they had to be completely honest with each other.

"Oh, so you are thinking about the girl you were in live with for a couple of years on our date?" Paige joked. She knew that the blonde needed all support she could get from her friends. She also knew that she has no feelings for Emily and has nothing to worry about. She trusted her girlfriend. She had no reason to stop. "Just kidding. What's up with her?

"I don't know, and that worries me. She doesn't trust us, well she doesn't trust the girls. Sometimes she says something to me but I really don't know enough to help her somehow. New A or old A, we still can deal with it."

"I can tell you what I know, okay? But not here, if you don't mind."

"My house?" Em asked and got up from her seat at the same time. She grabbed Paige's hand and together they went outside. They walked slowly and during the road said few words. None of them didn't bother silence. They had staff to take care of and now mutual closeness counted. They didn't need to talk about anything for hours. They needed each other.

They sat on the bed in Emily's room. They were completely alone so they could talk. Em looked at her girlfriend not letting go of her hand. She waited for the girl to open up and share what she knows. She was afraid of what she can hear but she had to help Ali. For all cost.

"Okay, so I told you that Lucas and Melissa are part of Mona's gang..." she started quietly and Emily nodded her head. "Melissa has a bigger part of all of this. I think Mona is scared of her, she doesn't do anything that she wouldn't accept."

"So again it all comes down to her" Em rolled her eyes. She could not believe it. They suspected Spencer's sister so many times. And it turns out they were right all along. That's way Ali was spying in Hastings's backyard. Because she know more of this, obviously.

"Mona brought us all together because she's afraid of another terror attack from Alison. And at first I thought, Melissa is a grown up women, why should she care about bunch of high school kids trying to get revenge on one girl in their age. But now I begin to think that it is really her gang and Mona is just protecting her." Paige continued her story and Emily started to connect more fact with each other.

"So you're saying that Melissa controls them but with Mona's hands?" She asked really confused. And even if it all made sense, it still seemed surreal.

"It seems like it." Paige said. She saw how her girl took it all. She placed her hand on Emily's cheek and looked her deeply in the eyes. "Look, if you want, I can try to find out more"

"No, you've got too much to lose. I don't want you to get hurt."

"If you change your mind, you know where to find me, but right now I should be get going" Paige got up from bed and looked around the room. Not much change since she stopped being a regular visitor here.

"I will walk you" Emily stood in front of her girlfriend and had her cell in left hand. The screen wasn't blocked and Paige could easily see three missed calls. All from Alison.

They left room, and went downstairs to the porch outside the house. It was a bit cold and Emily started to shake a little. She looked at Paige and got closer to her. Her gaze constantly change place where it focused. It flew between the girl's lips and her eyes. She got even more close and was able to feel Paige's breath on her cheeks. She broke the distance between them by pressing their lips together. She felt the heat which she wasn't able to feel for a while. She placed her hands in Paige's long hair and allowed herself to enjoy the moment. She needed this. Detachment from her reality. Moment of everyday life. Last days were not too sunny, the Sky was covered with dark clouds. But she realized, that's why she was living. To enjoy with little things. With a bit of happiness deal with her problems.

The kiss wasn't too long, it wasn't too passionate either. Paige pulled away from Emily. She said goodbye and went home. Em just stood in the same place. Just now she realized the shit in what she put herself. She liked the kiss. Really. It was like no other. But on the other hand, no kiss is like other one. It wouldn't be possible. As much as she longed Paige and was totally convinced that she has feeling for her, she couldn't stop thinking about Alison's lips. And she really wasn't glad about it.

**Hey guys! Thanks for reading this as I know it's still has some mistakes. Don't forget to tell me what you think so I could make myself better. **


	5. Chapter 5

Hanna Marin walked along the sidewalk, not knowing exactly where she was going. It was late and dark outside. However, it didn't bother her. She just kept going. Unconsciously she passed another house to find the one she was searching for. She began to feel cold and to not shake, she crossed her arm over her chest. She was constantly looking around, afraid that someone might follow her. She wasn't in too good state now to cope with an escape in case of emergency. And in current situation she wasn't able to predict it. With a sharp gust of wind she slowly began to freeze. She moved her hands and rubbed her arms with them as she hadn't had jacket. She walked like this for a couple of minutes and then she turned left and stopped in the place where she wanted to be. She came closer and saw Emily Fields sitting on the porch. She walked up the steps and sat next to her friend.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Emily asked trying to smile. But Hanna noticed right away that something was happening. They knew each other too well.

"I just needed some Hannily time" she said.

"Yeah, I think I missed it too" Emily replied as Hanna put her head on her shoulder. "Wait, you're not drunk again, are you?" She asked with surprise after a few second and looked at the blonde.

"I think I got immune for that"

"Hanna, why are you doing this to yourself?" Emily asked the girl another question with a worried look. She was really concerned about the blonde's recent behavior. They have to find a way to recover from everything but getting drunk every night was no answer. At least not according to the blonde.

"I... I don't know" Hanna answered not knowing what to say. It was easier this way, she guessed. She knew it wasn't the right thing, but the only one that helped. "With Ali back..." she began bringing all Emily's attention to herself. "I just don't know who I am anymore" she slowly finished and Emily pull her arm around the blonde and smiled.

"I know, that's enough" She said. "You're Hanna Marin, my best friend, no matter what"

"Sometimes I feel like her copy, as if Mona made me Alison 2.0" Hanna said and her voice began to break down. She had a great desire to cry but couldn't let herself to do that. Not now. She wiped her already wet eyes with her hands slightly.

"You're never going to be like Ali, okay? You're you and we love for it. You do not need alcohol to keep this in mind. I can remind you this every day if you need me to"

Hanna didn't react and Emily decided not to push her. They finished talking, instead they just simply sat in silence, not looking at each other but in front of them. It was getting late and also colder. Emily grabbed the blonde's hand and stood up pulling her with her.

"You're not going home tonight" she said. "I won't let you"

They went inside and immediately went to Emily's room. They both changed and got ready to sleep.

They laid in bed under the covers and it was pretty much all. Emily sighed trying not to give a sound. She wanted to sleep as it was a little exhausting day for her. Too much had happened and had to sort in all in her head. She closed her eyes wind down all her thoughts. She ignored every, even slightest murmur that could interrupt her. Or at least she tried to, because Hanna was fidgeting beside her like crazy. It was unbearable. She took a deep breath. The blonde was flipping from side to side and Emily couldn't take more.

"Hanna!" Emily said firmly annoyed by this whole situation.

"What?!" The girl replied loudly and pretended that she didn't know what's going on. The brunette wasn't surprised though. It was typical Hanna.

"I don't know about you, but I would really like to sleep peacefully"

"Yeah, and I would really like to not have a headache tomorrow, but we both know it's inevitable" The blonde replied sarcastically and Em smirked. "Anyway, you're not going to sleep. We need to talk" Emily rolled her eyes and looked at the girl. This was going to be a long night.

"Should I be afraid?" she asked. "Because the last time you said so, we had an awkward conversation about what color of the boxers fit to the Caleb's skin the best" she added. She really didn't wanted to go through that again. Since it happened she was really afraid of the view of the boy not completely dressed.

"You can be calm, now I know it's dark blue." She said knowing that this will make the brunette anxious. "I wanna talk about Alison" she said being serious and stopped smiling.

"What about her?" Emily asked as she pretended to be stupid. She clearly had her mood changed and fainted a little bit.

"Well, actually about the two of you"

"There is no us. There is Ali and there is me. No Ali and me" she said hoping that her friend will give up. She really wasn't into talking about the relationship which she and Ali had.

"Emily..." Hanna began speaking slowly as if she talked to a little child. Because the brunette act like one. "I'm not Jenna, I can see"

"So in that case you should know."

"I see but it doesn't mean that I understand . Because I don't. I'm glad you got back together with Paige, I do. But why actually?"

"I thought we were talking about me and Ali" Emily said sarcastically but as soon as she saw the blonde's look, smile disappeared from her face. "I have feelings for her, okay?"

"And for Ali not?" Hanna said. She didn't want to do a hearing in the middle of the night. But it was the only way she could think of right now.

"I don't know how I feel about her. I don't know how she feels about her either. Especially now." She replied with a sighed.

"What do you mean by saying especially now?" Hanna asked confused and looked her friend in the eyes, demanding the truth or some sort of explanation.

"God" Emily said in a barely audible whisper, rolling her eyes. She took her gaze from the blonde's face and moved it to the ceiling. She closed her eyes. She sighed loudly. "We kissed" she said and looked at her friend. She waited for some kind of response and knowing Hanna it was not able to predict it. So now she wished she pretended to sleep before.

"What? When? How?" The girl was slightly taken aback. She knew that something was happening but she didn't expect that. She didn't understand a thing.

"Well, I think you know how" she said sarcastically. She met with a cold gaze of Hanna that said do not pretend like you don't know what we are talking about. "The night she came back to school" she added. "We talked and when I sleptover it happened..."

"You kissed in her bed?" She asked and Emily nodded. " And nothing else happened?" Brunette nodded again. " And you want me to believe you?" Another nod. The blonde started to laugh. "You gotta be kidding me."

"Hanna, she just got back. I wouldn't have sex with her right away" Emily said with a little shock that her friend could possibly thought that she and Ali went all the way. She wanted to do it then, but looking back right now, she was glad it didn't happen. She would only regret it. She continued looking at Hanna as she still laughed. Only blonde could act like that in this situation. "I mean it " Emily added.

"Okay, I get it. But I do not understand one thing..." She said and became more serious. Emily stared at her and raised her eyebrow. "You two kissed, Emily. You kissed and you just got back to Paige after all of this? Just like that?" she asked.

"Kissing Alison was amazing, really. But I do not know how she felt, how she feels. That's why she should stay in the past. Because Paige is the future."

Hanna focused all her attention to her friend. She listened to every single word spoken by Emily really carefully. She was afraid that she may overlook something. She had a feeling that if it would happen, she don't understand the whole story. Honestly, even now it was hard for her to understand anything. She wanted to help her friend, comfort her somehow. After all, she has been recently in the similar situation. When you're with someone, but your heart beats for another.

"You know what?" She asked. "Screw Alison, screw Paige and screw Caleb. Let's just run away and be with each other"

"Tempting" Emily smirked and her mood immediately changed in a good way. "But I don't think you could handle playing lesbian for more than 10 minutes" she said still smiling.

"Yeah, you're right" the blonde said and yawned.

"Goodnight Han"

"Goodnight Em"

Hanna turned around and closed her eyes. She was already really tired and realized that just now. She quickly wind down her thoughts and fell asleep even faster. She had a feeling like it was only one second that passed when she heard someone saying her name again. And again. And again. This voice annoyed her at the moment so much that she was forced to cover her poor ears with a pillow. But the noise did not disappear. She felt like someone put their hands on her shoulders and started to shake them. For what sins she had to go through that? She was a good girl. Enough good, anyway. She skipped one class daily. She minimalized drinking to four beers or half of Scotch. She should be called an angel and not be rudely waken up in the morning.

"HANNA!" she heard and it was probably the loudest scream that was ever addressed to her. She tore the pillow from her head and threw it across the room. She opened her eyes and looked angrily at the person who dared to disturb her.

"I hate you" she was able to say only those words.

"I love you" Emily Fields replied with a big smile on her face. She was really enjoying the view of the girl as she was ready to kill for a little bit more sleep this morning. "I thought I'd give you a ride home since I already have some stuff to do later"

"Whatever " Hanna said furious and got up of the bed. She went straight to the bathroom and dressed. She was there so long in purpose just to piss Emily off. When she came out, together with the brunette they went to the girl's car standing in front of the house. They came inside and drove off. Journey wasn't long, it took only a couple of minutes. But during it, they didn't say a word. They were not used to this. Typically they could talk for hours about everything and nothing. Hanna asked Emily if she wanted to stay in for breakfast. The brunette nodded and at the same time she opened the car's door and was outside. She followed the blonde into her house. She took a deep breath. Oxygen was extremely clean and fondled her lungs. Before she entered she looked up. She put her eyes in a cloudless sky. It was perfect. Without a scar. She took a step forward exceeding the threshold property of Marins.

She looked around and her heart began to beat incredibly fast. Alison. In Hanna's house. In the towel. Emily opened her mouth to say something but she couldn't. She was intimidated. She kept looking. She did not want to miss a inch of the body of Ali. You could say that she practically was undressing her with her eyes. In the depths of the spirit she prayed that the light green towel unexpectedly slid to the floor. It was so close. Alison smiled gently and it was barely visible. She had not expected to see Emily in the morning in the situation like this . But that just made her day much better then she could imagine at first. She was just about to take a step closer to the brunette when she saw somebody pulling her arm to the kitchen. She turned around and noticed that Hanna is the one who stole her girl.

Emily did not know what to feel. Should be angry at Hanna's for taking her from Ali or be grateful that she did that? She was still speechless, and not able to pronounce the words. She came into the kitchen where she was alone with the blonde as Alison did not dare now to come to them.

"Why didn't you tell me she's here?!"

"Oh please," Hanna said, opening the refrigerator "It's hard enough to know about it. Talking about it would be too much."

Emily sat at the counter and put her hands on it. She nervously tapped her fingernails on the ceramic coating. Her heart still had not calmed down. She still had not calmed down. She did not recognize herself. She was still thinking about Alison's delicate skin, her smell, her eyes.

"Em" She heard the firm voice of Hanna and it was for her break out of a trance. "I don't think that Alison is the past. Don't be with Paige if you're not feeling it"

"I am feeling it," she said quietly but still with doubts and Hanna moved away to pull something out of the cabinet. "I am" she whispered, she was barely heard. However, she did not know whether she tried to convince Hanna or herself.

"So you wanted to meet up?" Spencer sat down on the couch at The Brew next to the Emily snatching her of her thoughts. She looked at her friend and took a sip of freshly bought coffee. As she had caffeine in her mouth she felt much better.

"We should talk." Emily replied calmly and began to choose words in her head to don't do any mistake. "About Ali and about your sister"

"Great. Not only you are in the team of Alison but now you will try to make the others were guilty of it." Spencer said and flustered smile disappeared from her pale face.

"I wanted to find out more before I say anything. And now I know so..." She sighed as she wanted to keep the peace, no fights were in her need now. "Ali was there to spy on Melissa. Now that I found out that Mona is also afraid of her and protect her at all costs ... It all comes down to her Spencer. Again."

"No." The girl shook her head "No"

"I know it's hard. But denying is not going to help. Melissa is a problem"

"Ali is a problem," Spencer broke. She slowly lost control and began nervously tapping her nails on the surface of the couch. She could not look away from the wall on which the crimson hung some pictures not matching to the interior. She could feel Emily's eyes on her, but she did not want to meet them. "She's manipulating you because she knows that I'm so easy to fool. Not when it comes to my sister," she said as she calmed her breathing.

"And how can you be sure that you're not manipulated one?"

"What exactly are you accusing her of Emily?" Spencer said. She did not know whether she was more annoyed or angry at her friend. "Because if even for a second you thought that my sister could be A, than I really underestimated your lack of thinking"

Emily stood up quickly, not looking at her friend. That was too much. She was already going to leave when at the last minute turned around. "In case you forgot, it all started when Ian was dating Melissa. And Alison too. So you just think the whole thing again before you start to build a shrine for your sister, because coincidences in this town do not happen" she said furious at her friend and left The Brew.

Spencer, completely speechless, sat on, surprised by the whole situation.

Emily had no idea what she was doing for the last few hours after an argument with a younger Hasting girl. She assumed that she wandered aimlessly somewhere, only to now sit on an old wooden bench in the park. She was cold, and every time she felt a gust of wind in her hair, she shaked even more. She was waiting for something, she was sure of it. However, she could not guess what was it. She stared at the screen of her phone. She saw every minute, which was announcing a change of time. She noticed how caller ID signaled that Alison wants to contact her. She wanted to pick up. She wanted to do it so much. However, she was paralyzed, frozen from the inside. Her fingers refused to obey and was not able to make the slightest movement.

It broke her heart. Knowing that she could not give up. No matter what. She can not. Going through it all once was hard enough. For too much time she was trying to get better. And now when she finally was able to say "I'm fine", you could say that it's almost not a lie, just to circumvent the truth. Alison was a part of her life. Always has been, always will be. There was no way that this could change. But Alison as part of her heart had to remain in the past. No matter how much the blonde try to prove that she was a different person. Emily could not afford to surrender to the moment.

Brunette fingers automatically began to move and she could not stop them. As if she had no control. As if she was a computer that can not turn off the printer that still prints one and the same page. She looked at the phone screen and read the message she just unwittingly wrote. "You were right." Of course, she could send it. She could also call Alison. She could tell her that she loved her from the moment in which she saw her for the first time. She could do all of it, but what was the point? To cry like a crazy teenager after seeing Dear John? Thanks, she had already experienced that. Would not be able to smile, because she is so powerless? Three times no, she also passed that.

She regained control over her body, but she still felt uneasy. She began to remove each of the letter of not send message and felt like a dagger in her heart sticked even deeper.

She wanted to be a warrior. She ignored the pain, she ignored suffering. She was convinced that it eventually cease. In time she may even get used to it. Maybe even she will like it. She may even become friends with it. However, at this time, when she was completely alone, she wanted to let it go. She could not cut it off all the time. It was unhealthy and exhausting. She began to feel warm and bitter tears on her face. They slowly ran down her cheeks. Emily sighed and stood up.

She moved ahead. She walked aimlessly, but it was not anything new. For several months she was doing exactly the same thing. Wandered unconsciously and looking for help, which did not come.

Suddenly she stood in front of the door. It took her a moment before she dared to knock. She crossed her arms and waited being completely quiet.

"Oh god! What happened?" Paige McCullers said as soon as she saw the state in which her girlfriend was. She put her arm on her and led her inside, straight to her room.

They walked in silence. Emily was unable to say a word and Paige did not want to push. They entered the bedroom and sat on the bed.

"Emily..." Paige said. She became increasingly concerned and worried. She have not seen a girl like this.

Emily sat without a word on the bed and stared at his fingernails. Tears still flew down her cheeks. She felt like Paige wiped her wet face with a tissue. The girl grabbed her chin and forced to looked into her eyes.

"Tell me what happened" She heard a quiet but firm voice of her girlfriend.

"I'm just tired," She whispered. "I'm so damn tired of all of it"

Paige looked at Emily devoting her full attention to the girl.

"I have no idea what to do. Everywhere I go, I get the feeling that A is following me. I'm so scared about all of my life. I can't even sleep cause I'm not even sure if I will see you again"

"I'm not going anywhere. I am with you and always will be" Paige said as she saw another tears in the eyes of Emily. "And that will not change. No one can change that. "She said and hugged her girlfriend as they laid on the bed. She nestled in the arms of Paige and immediately calmed down. With her did not have to worry about. They were only two. Only need one another.

"Paige?" Emily closed her eyes said sleeping voice.

"Yeah?" The girl replied and kissed Emily in the forehead.

"Thanks"

"For what?" She asked with a slight smile.

"For not going anywhere."

**Hey guys! I'm really sorry for not uploading for so long. I just started a new school in a new city and I kind of live by myself. I don't always have an access to the Internet. I will be trying to add new chapters as often as it possible. ****Love you.**


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